THREE BASIC TYPES OF DYSFUNCTIONS IN COUPLES
As I mentioned in the first part of my three-part series of blogs, there are three basic types of dysfunctions in couples. My first blog in this series described the “Hot, Fighting Couple.” This one will describe the “Cool, Distant Couple.” The last one will discuss the “Pursuer/ Distancer Couple.”
THE COOL, DISTANT COUPLE
Many of these couples don’t seek help because they think they have a “functional, good enough” relationship. When a cool, distant couple seeks help, one of the partners decides that the distancing dynamic is intolerable and wants it to change. Meanwhile, the other partner is quite comfortable and is not so interested in changing a thing.
How does a couple find their way to this dynamic? There can be a few paths to get there. One possibility is that they each grew up in a family where the emotional climate was flat and superficial. The parents, for a variety of reasons, created a family system that became “allergic” to too much emotion. Maybe they each grew up in emotional neglect. Or perhaps they learned to shut down their outward emotional life because there was no one to share it with or anyone who cared about it. And maybe they grew up with too much emotional intensity/fighting and thus developed a deep fear of conflict and showing any vulnerability was unsafe. Shutting down emotions can be a survival mechanism in a family.
This distancing dynamic can also evolve when one partner wants more closeness than the other partner. The partner who likes to be alone and do their own thing ends up getting their way. The partner who wants closeness eventually gives up trying to get their partner to connect. So, withdrawal meets withdrawal. However, this can lead to a growing sense of silent resentment for the partner who is not getting their needs for connection met. When a couple gets to this point, they are in what we call in RLT, “comfortable misery.” They can be in a silent impasse with one steaming inside and the other not having a clue.
I have worked with many of these couples. Here’s a snapshot of one of them. In the beginning of their marriage, she thought a distant marriage was “normal” because she grew up with parents who behaved similarly. When she began to wake up to herself, she realized she wanted more from her relationship. He reluctantly came to couples therapy because he thought the therapist would “fix her.” She came for the same exact reason—sound familiar???
I helped this couple see the “root system” of how they each created this kind of marriage. In addition, I helped them create quality time with each other in small ways that leads to bigger ways. Quality time is the fuel supply for connection. Without it, a distant couple will perish into “comfortable misery.” I start with having them spend “shoulder to shoulder” time together, like watching a show together or going for a walk on a regular basis. I then begin introducing “face to face” time by prescribing them my version of “date night” which puts other date nights to shame, by the way. (More on this later…). I also add in other things that fit the couple’s interests, etc.
As they slowly became more connected, they each found it rewarding and wanted more of it. After more quality time is baked into their relationship, I help them with building more emotional intimacy and increasing their comfort level with vulnerability. It’s a process, but it’s worth it. These couples can change, and I have witnessed it many times.
If anything in this blog resonates with you, please reach out through my website. Take a look at my online group couples coaching program—Relational Joy with Dr. Pam. Please stay tuned in to read my next blog on the “Pursuer/ Distancer” couple dynamic.