THREE TYPES OF DYSFUNCTIONAL COUPLES DYNAMICS
In my experience in working with couples for 38 years, I have observed three basic types of couple’s dynamics. They include 1) The Hot, Fighting Couple, 2) The Cool, Distant Couple and 3) The Pursuer/ Distancing Couple. I will describe each one and explain what can be done to help couples discontinue these patterns. This three part blog will start by describing the Fighting Couple.
THE FIGHTING COUPLE
It takes two to make a fighting couple. In this type of couple, each partner tends to be highly emotionally reactive to each other. They each can feel threatened and/or become triggered by the other easily and things between them can escalate quickly. In essence, neither one really wants or chooses to become a fighter. When any human being feels threatened, their survival mechanisms kick in to create basic automatic reactions of flight, fight or freeze. In a fighting couple, they each learned to react with a fight response. They probably learned to tolerate a high level of conflict and emotional intensity. There are two basic ways that people learn this way of coping in relationships.
First, I always ask my clients, “where did you learn to behave this way?” Often times, the answer is, “I watched my dad and mom fight like cats and dogs.” Role modeling is a very powerful way for a child to learn how to behave in relationships. With deep compassion, I say to these clients, “through no fault of your own, you breathed in this behavior like secondhand smoke.” And “You acquired this behavior, it’s not who you are meant to be, and you can stop it in its tracks starting today.” This is not an excuse, it’s an explanation.
Another way a child can learn to become a fighter, is that they may have been “falsely empowered” by one or both parents. This means that they were allowed to do whatever they wanted and the parents failed to set limits on them. When these kids grow up, they feel entitled to do and say whatever they want without regard of its impact on others around them. They often engage in “unbridled self-expression” and lack empathy for others. It’s a setup for becoming a “fighter” in a close, intimate relationship. This is a pattern that looks more like a “character problem’ to others. However, it is also a learned behavior, and it can be stopped in its tracks too.
What can be done to help fighting couples? The first order of business is to get them stabilized by reducing the frequency of their conflict. I teach them a “dead stop time out” skill. They agree on a code word and when one of them utters the code word, they agree to stop all contact and go their separate ways for 20-30 minutes. They then do check ins with each other over texting to negotiate when they are ready to be relational with each other. For some couples, they may need a full 24 hours of time out to get there.
My next intervention is to teach them the “Whoosh” skill. This is when they begin to identify what their partner does to trigger them without blame. I teach them to manage their automatic, emotionally immature reaction of fight and escalation. They learn how to find their “wise adult” self who can be more relational with their partner. They badly need to learn the skills to emotionally regulate themselves and “co-regulate” each other. If both partners do their part in managing themselves, their fighting pattern can dissipate rather quickly.
There are many other things I do to help fighting couples to return to their natural state of being relational. It’s a very complex pattern and there are many variations on this theme. Stay tuned for my next blog on the Cool Distancing Couple.