What is Relational Life Therapy and Why is it So Effective?
What is Relational Life Therapy?
Relational Life Therapy, aka RLT, is a therapeutic model for helping couples create long-lasting, healthy changes in their relationships. It was developed by a brilliant marriage and family therapist from Boston, Terry Real. Over the years, Terry has created the perfect recipe with theoretical ingredients from family systems, psychology, child development, and gender. These all began to coalesce in his first bestselling book (1997) on male depression called I Don’t Want to Talk About It. He was the first therapist to truly grasp the psychological costs on being raised as a male in American culture. This was followed by his second book (2002), How to Get Through to You, which addressed the female/couple side of the equation.
In 2007, he “married” the foundations of these two books when he wrote The New Rules of Marriage, a bestselling book on teaching couples the skills to have a more relational, cherishing relationship. He began training therapists across the country in this couple’s model almost 20 years ago. He has about 200 certified therapists who follow and implement his model with couples (see his therapist map on his website terryreal.com).
Relational Life Therapy is a radical approach to couples’ therapy. It definitely is not traditional “talk therapy” where couples spend an hour a week rehashing the events of the last week or recycling their last fight.
How RLT Differs from Other Couples Therapy Models
First, most therapists who work with couples are taught to be ”neutral” in their stance with each partner in the couple. In RLT, therapists “take sides,” meaning that they provide truthful and caring feedback to the partner with the most “non-relational” behaviors. Often times, both partners exhibit “non-relational” behavior, so the therapist will often start with the partner with the most offensive types of behavior. After that partner “wakes up” to their part in the couples’ dance, the therapist will then turn to the other partner for changing. In my work with couples, I tell them, “I take turns taking sides.” I also call the work I do with each partner “leaning on” them. I ask, “is it okay with you if I ‘lean on you’ right now?” Because this work is truthful and respectful at a foundational level, the answer is often “yes.”
Another way that RLT is different from other brands of couples therapy is that it yields a “relational diagnosis.” Terry developed something called The Grid which has four quadrants based on two spectrums—boundaries and self-esteem. Each quadrant defines a way a person can be non-relational. Early in the RLT work with couples, I teach them about The Grid and have them diagnose themselves as “one up” or “one down” and “walled off” or “boundaryless.” The exercise has them identify who they are “at their worst with their partner.” I am frequently in awe of how accurately people can see themselves and their non-relational behaviors. This is the dawn of their relational self-awareness and it when true change can begin.
RLT is also a skills-based approach to helping couples develop new and healthy relational behaviors. I call this their “relational tool kit” complete with small, effective tools such as the “whoosh skill” and big “power tools” like the Feedback Wheel. These skills help people manage their triggered reactions, resolve conflict and deepen their communication with their partner. They graduate from couples work with tools and skills they can use across their life together.
Another unique aspect of RLT is the two-hour session every two weeks. This pace of doing couples therapy does two things. First, it gets the therapist and the couple out of the “talk therapy” cycle because the longer session allows for deeper work. Second, it creates an opportunity for practicing new things in between sessions. I will often give my couples “homework” assignments and do “accountability checks” at each session to ensure they are getting traction for change and developing momentum.
In summary, the core pillars of change in RLT are: 1) enhanced self-awareness and understanding through exercises and therapist feedback; 2) learning and implementing new skills and 3) the therapist’s skill level at bringing the art and craft of RLT to couples as Terry Real designed it to be. I have done trainings in other brands of couples therapy and I truly appreciate the valuable contributions that other master therapists have created. However, I believe that RLT is the most comprehensive model in effecting change in couples. I have been using RLT with couples for 15 years and have received lots of positive feedback from my clients about how it is so different from anything else they’ve tried. They marvel at how they can create significant, long-lasting change when they have the direction, guidance, and accountability that a highly skilled RLT therapist/ coach can provide.